SHM
by SnoOza
Summary: [[Sarutobi-hismonkey]] The best pairing you’ll ever read. Click, you know you wanna. (CRAP omake)


Joint-fic between SnoOza and Kaka-Chan

So you ask, what's CRAP?

**CRAP**

Ever wondered about the plausibility of the Naruto pairings? Watch the characters of Naruto convene to discuss this urgent and life-threatening issue in CRAP - Convention of Romantically Amorous People.

Chapter 3: SasuSaku is up!

(read it here: http:habataki-net.rhetoricalDOTorg/naruto - replace the 'DOT' with '.')

-

We know you've been waiting for this! The special CRAP omake on everyone's favourite pairing! Not in script format! Huzzah! For those wondering, CRAP was taken down from for violating the script rules, so we got it hosted on our own website! Visit the website above to see our latest chapter on the SasuSaku pairing. Naruto fanfic recommendations and links are also found on our site. Yes, if you can't tell, this story is basically just to advertise our site. The chapter on SasuSaku is up at the site, so do go read!

Okay, enough talking, happy reading and enjoy the beauty of SHM.

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto

**CRAP Omake: Sarutobi/His Monkey aka SHM**

_The best pairing you'll ever read._

Sarutobi/his monkey?

What, you mean you don't think it's the best pairing ever? How can you not? It's like a match made in heaven!

I mean, unlike LinkandLuigi's beloved pairing of Kankurou/Gashir, who have _everything_ in common, Sarutobi and his monkey have _nothing_ in common! Besides the fact that both are ugly, and old and obsolete, and have two hands, and two legs, and well a whole bunch of other similarities. But! Besides that, they have nothing in common! I mean, _duh_, that's just what I said.. Witch part off da engrish languages doo u nort standunder?

Yeah, I guess there's Kiba/Akamaru, but _hello?_ That is so gross! It's human/dog! You can throw all that 'man's best friend' crap at me, but think about it, what conceivable healthy relationship can develop from that? Now, human/monkey is a whole different matter altogether! I mean, Sarutobi even looks kind of like a monkey, with all those wrinkles and pouches and stuff.

What, you're still not convinced? You close-minded, narrow-minded, un-open-minded person! (the repetition is for emphasis, by the way) Oh well, I guess the Naruto people will just have to convince you then!

"**This is an emergency meeting of C.R.A.P. You must discuss the beauty of Sarutobi/his monkey now**!" a mysterious voice echoed inside the Convention Hall.

Everyone blinked. Besides the people who did not blink. Those people did other things like gasping and shrieking and fainting, but did not blink. But everyone besides those people who did not blink…blinked. Duh. Why are you making me repeat everything?

"Hey, wait a minute," Naruto said, not even bothering to wonder who the mysterious voice was. The excitement of discussing Sarutobi/his monkey must be too much! Of course! "We're supposed to be discussing _popular_ pairings in Naruto. In what way is Sarutobi/his monkey even popular?"

"**Once you guys are done discussing it, it will be**," the mysterious voice said mysteriously.

"Oh, okay," Naruto said brightly. "Well, then let's discuss!"

"No wait," Shikamaru ventured. "_Why_ should it become popular after we're done discussing it?"

"**Because you all love it so much you're going to convince everyone else to love it too**," the mysterious voice said even more mysteriously.

"Uh hold up a moment, we _don't_ love it," Ino snapped.

"**Well, you'd better start now, because if you don't I have I have a list of _much_ more interesting pairings for you to talk about**," the mysterious voice said mysteriously, but also sort of waspishly, so it didn't really sound mysterious, but only partially mysterious, but waspish at the same time, you know? Yeah, you do.

Sasuke twitched. "I guess Sarutobi/his monkey isn't the worst end of the spectrum," he said evenly.

Naruto twitched. "I think Sarutobi/his monkey could…possibly work."

Sakura twitched. "I agree… I mean, they have been comrades for many years and they say that love oftentimes develops from friendships. LIKE ME AND SASUKE!!!!"

Ino jerked. "Don't be ridiculous! Love more commonly comes from dislike!!!"

"Oh Ino…you were supposed to twitch as well. You've spoilt the cycle…" Lee said mournfully.

Shikamaru scratched his head. "Say, Ino, what does that have to do with Sarutobi and his monkey's love?"

Lee collapsed on the floor, rivers pouring from his eyes. "Shikamaru, you were supposed to twitch! Twitch!"

Everyone regarded him strangely, except for Neji and Tenten, who were used to his histrionic outbursts. Instead, they enacted their Emergency Plan to Shut Lee Up. Neji kind of sidled away nonchalantly while pretending he'd never seen Lee before and just happened to be within the same mile of him for no reason whatsoever, while Tenten pulled out this black cloth from nowhere and draped it over Lee, rolling him out of sight.

Hinata looked down shyly and did her twiddling-both-index-fingers thing. "…eh… I agree with Naruto-kun…"

Kiba smiled. "Hey, what's wrong with a little man-to-animal love? I'm perfectly fine with the pairing." The faces of those gathered gained a faint greenish tinge.

"Ew, are we all going to become like that if we learn the Summoning jutsu?" Tenten muttered loudly.

Sakura sighed. "Anyway, we have to discuss it. I, uh, ­­_did_ hear that Sarutobi and his monkey fought really well together. Great coordination and all that." Her left eyelid twitched slightly.

"They lost." Shikamaru pointed out blandly. Just then, a black bag rolled up to him and a teary Lee jumped out, tearing the bag into bits.

"But they still managed to save Konoha!!!!!!!! Oh, we shall forever strive to emulate Sandaime's wonderful loyalty to his village, his desire to save ALL THE VILLAGERS!! YEAH!!!! WE SHALL ALL WORK HARD AND BECOME LIKE SARUTOBI-SENSEI!!!!!" Lee shouted, the fire burning in his eyes.

"What? All wrinkly, with liver spots?" Ino wrinkled her nose in distaste. The girls all shuddered.

"NO! Bright and shining and selfless and brave and mmmprgh!" Amazingly, Naruto managed to stuff Lee into a trash bag.

"He had warts, too." Sakura was obviously disgusted.

"Yuck, Lee, you have such weird tastes." Tenten pinned the wriggling bag to the floor with a well-aimed kunai.

"**Will you people STOP beating around the bush and talk about the actual PAIRING**!" The mysterious voice was back, echoing mysteriously around the convention hall, but it sounded more pissed off than before.

Sasuke grunted. "Actually, no other pairing could be worse to talk about than Sarutobi and his monkey. So let's ignore the voice, and just leave-"

"**If you won't talk about SHM, you'll have to take SB**." The voice declared.

"SB?" Everyone chorused.

"**Shino and his BUGS**." The voice sounded dead pleased, this time.

Sasuke's mouth just hung open.

Shino twitched.

"Che… what's the craze with animal pairings? This is so troublesome." Shikamaru grumbled.

Naruto groaned. "I can't believe we got to this before NaruSaku!"

Sakura moaned. "I can't believe we've only discussed one pairing before this, and it was SasuNARU."

Hinata blushed and did her twiddly-finger thing faster.

Lee whined in his bag. "I can't believe Naruto could stuff me in this disgustingly unfashionable plastic!"

Kiba cleared his throat. "Before the voice comes back, maybe we should start talking about the wonderfulness of the pairing!"

Neji raised a hand.

Everyone looked at him.

"What's the monkey's name?" He asked.

"HMM…" Everyone stroked their chins reflectively. Except, obviously, for the people who didn't, but I think we've been through this before.

Anyway, the relevant people went on hmming (it so is a word; see, I'm using it here! Who's the writer, me or you? D'oh.).

"Um, are you going to answer me yet?" Neji asked in annoyance.

"Hmm," everyone said thoughtfully. (except those who didn't)

"Look, just admit it, you don't know either right?" Neji said in exasperation.

"Hmm," everyone said thoughtfully again. (except those who didn't again)

"You don't know either…_right_?" Neji said in exasperation, flashing his Evil Eyes.

"We don't," everyone said immediately, cowering from the fear of Teh Ebil Eyes.

"Look, it's the Byakugan, not Evil Eyes, alright? And I'm not even using it, it just happens my eyes are pupilless!" Neji yelled to nobody…well, me. As in Me, o marvellous third person omniscient narrator. Honestly, what is this world coming to? First my readers defy me, now my own _characters_! Take it from me, ya'll, there ain't no decency left in this here world.

"Erm, Neji, are you okay?" Tenten asked in concern.

Neji just flashed his Evil Eyes at her.

"IT'S NOT THE EVIL EYE!!" Neji hollered, and turned on his MegaSupaDupa Evil Eyes! "AND THIS IS THE BYAKUGAN!!! DO YOU GET IT!!!??"

"Has Lee taken over Neji's body?" Sakura asked in awe.

"This is what happens when you repress your emotions for too long a time," Naruto said wisely, staring very hard at Sasuke. Kiba stared hard at Shino. Everyone else just stared at the obviously deranged and psychotic Neji.

"Neji, calm down," Tenten said soothingly. "We all know it's the Byakugan. It doesn't matter if one unimportant person thinks it's the uh, Evil Eyes."

Oh yeah, sure. So what _I_ think doesn't matter now, does it? Who's the narrator here, huh? WHO??

"You're right," Neji said, calming down. "I must reserve my anger for the Main House."

Hinata gulped and hid behind Kiba and Shino.

"Okay, now that Neji is um, fine again, I guess we have to return to the topic," Naruto said.

"What about crunch the monkey's crunch name?" Chouji asked, in between mouthfuls of potato chips.

"I guess it doesn't really matter," Naruto shrugged. "What's more important is their um, love for each other. I mean, the monkey injured his hand pretty badly trying to save that sword from skewering Sandaime."

"Yes," Shikamaru said thoughtfully. "He had to maintain that backbreaking position on the ground for about 5 episodes."

"Mind you, it was only for about one minute each episode," Kiba reminded.

"Oh, so _you're_ the expert now?" Sasuke said. "I notice you didn't have to endure having your hand stuck in some ball of sand for half an episode while people rambled on in the background about your chidori."

"Sasuke-kun, people do that because they're awed by your talent," Sakura said comfortingly, turning on googly eyes.

"True," Sasuke nodded sagely.

Kiba rolled his eyes. "Whatever, man. It was just an observation."

"…" Shino said.

Kiba blinked. "Oh, really?" he asked in interest.

"…………." Shino replied.

"Hey, guys, don't hold some sort of private conversation in the background, will you?" Ino said irritably.

"No, no, wait, this is pretty interesting. Apparently one of Shino's bug knows this bug that knows this bug that knows this flea that used to live on Sandaime's monkey."

Everyone blinked. Seriously, everyone blinked this time!

"It's some bug network thing," Kiba said dismissively.

"That…is too sick," Tenten said, looking disturbed. The girls nodded fervently.

"So uh, what does the bug say?" Naruto ventured to ask.

"That the monkey's hair isn't thick enough to survive the winter comfortably."

"…"

"You know, that is _so_ not helpful," Ino rolled her eyes.

"…." Shino said.

"Oh, apparently Akamaru's fur is much…hey!" Kiba shouted, picking Akamaru up. "Get out of Akamaru!" he yelled at Akamaru.

Akamaru woofed in consternation.

"Um…I-I think Akamaru is scared," Hinata whispered.

"Yo, don't be mistreating your dog, man," Naruto tsked and shook his head.

"I think he was trying to yell at the flea," Shikamaru said. "Unsuccessfully," he added.

"O…kay," Sakura said. "This discussion is starting to go off on really scary tangents."

"Yeah, let's crunch get back," Chouji added, still eating. "I think crunch I'm running crunch out crunch of potato crunch chips."

"Out of all of us now, only Naruto can do a Summoning jutsu." Sakura continued, rather thoughtfully.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Naruto puffed out his chest, visibly buoyed by the fact that Sakura realized his greatness.

"Okay, so Naruto, like Sandaime, could you imagine having a… ­_liaison_… with that red toad?" Sakura choked on the words.

A dead silence crept over the hall. Even Chouji stopped chewing.

"… EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…" And that was that, when Naruto curled up in a fetal position and died. He did not really die, as in to stop breathing and join Sarutobi and his monkey in ninja-heaven, but you know, sort of lapse into severe withdrawal from life for a short while.

"Bad imagery, bad imagery, bad imagery…" Shikamaru groaned to himself.

"I guess he couldn't." Neji commented dryly, poking Naruto with his foot.

"**What a good idea! Naruto/Gamabunta! Excellent pairing! Must-put-it-down-for-further-discussion-in-the-future…**" The mysterious voice said enthusiastically.

Everyone facefaulted.

"We really, really, really, should stay on topic." Ino grumbled.

"Naruto got himself into it. He's the one who said it could work," Sasuke muttered.

Just then, there was a muffled yell from the squirming bag on the ground, and Lee burst out, the fire burning no less brightly in his eyes, and bits of black plastic stuck on his jumpsuit.

"If you want examples, I know Gai-sensei has a VERY GOOD RELATIONSHIP with his tortoise!" He shouted.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Everyone shouted back.

"What?!" Lee demanded, righteous fury at being shushed pouring out of him.

They made gestures at him, some pointing at the sky, some pointing at the speakers, and some actually began explaining.

"Don't let the Narrator hear that, you IDIOT." Tenten growled.

"Or we'll get stuck discussing Gai pairings!" Sakura shuddered.

"…" Sasuke flashed his Evil Swirly Eyes at Lee.

"…" Neji, certainly not going to be outdone by inferior, lowly quadruple pupils, used his Evil (Pupilless) Eyes on Lee.

"…" Shikamaru settled for just closing his eyes.

"…" Lee decided to shut up.

"Coming back to the discussion…" Kiba trailed off.

"Okay, okay, we can be sure that Sarutobi-sensei and his monkey certainly enjoyed a unique partnership. Being together for, what, forty-odd years?" Sakura analysed.

"Crunch that's pretty cool actually. Oh no, no more chips." Chouji complained.

Hinata produced a lunch box conveniently.

"… ano… Chouji-kun, you could eat this. I don't think Naruto-kun will be waking up-"

With a bestial roar of fury, the blonde Genin woke up and stared ranting and raving.

"OI, OI, HINATA! I'm awake! Chouji, that's for me! Me! ME!" He snatched it out of her hands.

"Damn, he's awake. We'll never finish this." Shikamaru groaned.

"I was thinking!" Naruto groused.

"You could?" Sasuke shot back.

"Of how we can end this fast!" Naruto said happily, while stuffing his face.

"HOW?!" Everyone screamed at Naruto.

"Well, why don't we just ask one of Sandaime's students? Like Tsunade-baachan or Ero-sennin? They'll know more than us." Naruto gloated.

Another silence descended, broken only by Naruto's slurps of delight, but it was definitely more hopeful this time.

"Naruto had a good idea." Sakura blinked.

"No. One major problem: how are we going to get them here?" Neji asked.

"Oh, that's easy." Naruto dismissed their doubts with a wave of his hand. He went to the cavernous entrance of the hall, and formed a familiar seal with his hands.

"SEXY NO JUTSU!"

Then in a poof of smoke – well you know what he looks like – Naruto called out, huskily, "Jiraiya-kuuuuuun…"

With a clatter of clogs, the Ero-sennin was there, drooling.

Naruto released the seal, and Jiraiya fell over.

"Narutoooooooo! Oh come on, just five more seconds!" Jiraiya pleaded.

"Ero-sennin, this is important!" Naruto yelled.

"We need to discuss whether…" Shikamaru didn't have to heart to complete the sentence.

"Sandaime and his monkey had a romantic …er, ­_liaison­_." Kiba said.

"Or if there is a possibility of it," Sakura added.

Jiraiya glared at them. "Any relationship that does not involve me with hot sexy young babes is irrelevant!" He proclaimed.

The four girls in the group immediately ducked behind the guys present.

"Hey!" Jiraiya protested. "You haven't even hit puberty yet! What do you think of me!"

"Very lowly," Naruto said dryly.

"Look, we aren't making any progress," Sasuke snapped. "I don't want to waste all my time here."

"Yeah sure, more valuable time could be spent angsting about your tragic past, suure," Naruto bit back.

"Whatever, loser," Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I have an idea. Let's everyone make a statement about the Sandaime's relationship with his monkey that we haven't already mentioned. We have thirteen people present, so we should be able to come up with a lot of points, and then we'll be done so much sooner."

"As can be expected of Sasuke!" Ino and Sakura cheered. "What a brilliant plan!"

"Thirteen is an unlucky number!" Lee wailed.

"Fine, we can skip your turn," Sasuke said waspishly.

"NOOO!" Lee whined. He took a deep breath. "NOOOOOOOO-"

"Okay, let's get on with this," Tenten said. "Sarutobi and his monkey are…rather similar in appearance. Old, wrinkly and ugly."

"Um, monkeys are a human's best friend?" Naruto suggested.

"What is _wrong_ with you! Learn your sayings, _dogs_ are man's best friend, not monkeys." Kiba burst out, Akamaru yapping angrily beside him. "Is your brain in your butt?"

"He did fart at you during the chuunin exam, Kiba," Shikamaru said gravely.

"Oi oi, that's why I said _a human's_ best friend and not _man's_," Naruto said as if it explained all the cosmic problems in the universe.

Everyone felt their IQ drop two thousand points from the proximity of Naruto.

"Moving on, moving on," Ino said finally.

"Well, Sandaime seems to be more talkative around the monkey," Sakura conceded.

"The monkey doesn't have any problems taking orders from Sandaime," Shikamaru said.

"I bet they eat together," Chouji said.

Naruto blinked. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I don't know, I'm too hungry to think straight," Chouji said mournfully, looking down at his empty hands.

"Oh, oh, I have an idea!" Lee said excitedly, bouncing up and down.

"I think…" Lee said in a hushed voice. "THAT SANDAIME IS ACTUALLY AN ALIEN MONKEY IN DISGUISE!!!" He yelled, pumping his hands into the air.

"THAT IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD!" Ino yelled back in disgust. "Sakura, you have the _lousiest_ taste!"

"Hey!" Sakura said defensively. "The one I love is Sasuke, alright?"

"Lee, you'd better make sure Konohamaru doesn't hear you say that," Naruto sighed, shaking his head.

"Hey! What's wrong with my idea!" Lee shouted. "It makes perfect sense! That'd explain why Sandaime and his monkey are so much in luuuuuuuv!"

"We never did say we thought Sandaime and his monkey were in love!" Neji said in exasperation.

"Yeah, I mean, that pairing is ridiculous," Sakura said, rolling her eyes.

"It's not even possible! I mean, a human and an animal? That is SO not normal," Tenten added.

"We already know Sandaime is pretty normal, if not Konohamaru wouldn't have been produced," Shikamaru said.

"Yeah!" Jiraiya said excitedly. "He's one of the most avid readers of my works!"

"What works?" Ino asked.

"You don't want to know," Naruto assured her.

"Anywhere, this pairing is twisted," Ino said. "Not only does it have an almost nil chance of ever happening, but no one even _likes_ it in the first place!"

"Who's even interested in the Sandaime anymore?" Kiba asked.

"Besides Konohamaru," Naruto added.

Everyone froze.

"Okay, never mind, we didn't just think that," Tenten said hurriedly.

"Sandaime is ugly!" Ino whined.

"And so's the monkey," Jiraiya added.

"There's no _way_ anyone will ever support this pairing, unless they're really, really demented," Sakura concluded.

"Or they have a really warped sense of humour," Tenten said, suddenly coughing very loudly and distinctively.

"Hey, Hinata wants to say something!" Kiba said suddenly.

Everyone stared expectantly at her. Hinata was normally so quiet, if she was going to speak, it must be something worthwhile, something of monumental importance, probably that she loved SHM, of course.

"I-I…just want to say that I don't really…really like this –

OKAY! NEVER MIND! Actually, they do really love Sarutobi/his monkey, they're just currently in denial. Don't worry, they'll come around to it soon enough! As I'm sure you have of course. Come on, click on that little 'review' button and tell us how much you luuuuurve Sarutobi/his monkey. Be sure to visit our site (http:habataki-net.rhetoricalDOTorg/naruto replace 'DOT' with '.') and proclaim your undying love for them there too!

♥♥ SHM OTP! ♥♥


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